]
Buster: Wow. We're just blowing through nap time, aren't we?
Michael: Yeah, I got to let my son go.
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[Tobias is directing George Michael and Maeby in the school play]
Tobias Fünke: Look, you are playing adults...
[Tobias falls out of his chair]
Tobias Fünke: [to nearby student] Pick that up. Pick that up, please.
Tobias Fünke: ...with fully formed libidos, not two young men playing grab-ass in the shower.
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Kitty: The program has changed my life. And I have a sponsor now.
[whispers]
Kitty: He's famous.
Michael: That's great.
Kitty: I can't tell you who he is, but let's just say... that he was on... "Night Court."
Michael: Well, you look great...
Kitty: ...I can tell you who it's NOT. It's not Bull. It's not Harry Anderson.
Michael: I got it...
Kitty: ...and he's white.
Michael: I know who it is.
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Michael: [At Police Station, on phone to Lucille] They're keeping me over night while I wait for my arraignment. I'd appreciate it if you could tell my son that I'm on a business trip.
Lucille: Why can't the girl at work do it?
Michael: Tobias? I sent him on a date with Kitty to keep her off our backs.
Lucille: Well, you better hope Lindsay doesn't find out. She'll be devastated.
Lindsay Funke: [Enters room] Find out what?
Lucille: Your husband's dating Kitty, the whore.
Lindsay Funke: He is? That's horrible.
[Exits]
Lucille: [to Michael] Do I know my daughter?
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Buster: [Confronting Lucille about his birth father] You lied to me... you said my FATHER was my father, but my UNCLE is my father. MY FATHER IS MY UNCLE.
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Michael Bluth: [calling from prison, taking about his brother, Gob] I've got a nice hard cot with his name on it.
Lucille: You would do that to your brother?
Michael Bluth: I said "cot".
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Dave Attell: [to Carl Weathers about Tobias] If this guy's straight, then I'm sober.
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Dave Attell: Wow, the service sent you over quick.
Lindsay Funke: Oh I'm sorry.
[Dave Attell quickly removes the cutoffs]
Lindsay Funke: You dont cry when you take those off?
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Lindsay Funke: I think George Michael needs a mother.
Michael: Well, he's got you, he's got mom, you think that would turn him off the concept entirely.
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Mae 'Maebe' Funke: Do you remember that French film we snuck into? Dangerous Cousins?
George Michael Bluth: No, actually, I dont remember it.
Narrator: In fact, George Michael knew the movie very well. He currently had a copy of the DVD hidden in his sock drawer.
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Tobias Fünke: Boy, I sure feel like a Mary without a Peter and a Paul.
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Tobias Fünke: Come on, Lindsay. We've had some great times.
[a white screen appears with text reading: "Footage not found."]
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Lindsay Funke: Hey, I could've sworn I just saw Dad... Or not. I think hallucinations are a side effect of Teamocil.
Narrator: They aren't.
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Carl Weathers: [about Burger King] I'm going to go get a drink refill. You know you can get unlimited refills on any drink you want... and it's free?
Tobias Fünke: It's a wonderful restaurant.
Narrator: It sure is.
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Narrator: Last year, Tobias produced a video tape. But its brief success was due to its misleading name.
[shows "Families with Low Self Esteem" next to "Girls With Low Self Esteem"]
Narrator: Once this flaw was discovered, all but ten of the tapes were returned.
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Tobias Fünke: I want my family back. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I want to reunite the band.
Michael: Oh, no.
Narrator: Oh, no was right. In the mid '90s, Tobias formed a folk music band with Lindsay and Maebe which he called Dr. Funke's 100 Percent Natural Good Time Family Band Solution. The group was underwritten by the Natural Food Life Company, a division of Chem-Grow, an Allen Crayne acqusition, which was part of the Squimm Group. Their motto was simple: We keep you alive.
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Lindsay Funke: Dr. Funke's 100% Natural Good Time Family Band solution was a nightmare.
Michael: Tobias said it was some of the most fun your family has ever had.
Lindsay Funke: Yeah, well, I was whacked on Xanotab.
Michael: Well I thought Xanotab was supposed to make everything better.
Lindsay Funke: For fifteen minutes. Then it burns when you pee and your marriage goes to hell. It's not a good supplement. Besides, Maebe wont do it.
Mae 'Maebe' Funke: Let's do it. I want to reunite the band. That was some of the best times we've ever had.
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Michael: Oh sure, Lindsay. You're a much better parent - no borders, no limits, oh go ahead, touch the Cornballer...
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Tobias Fünke: Good news, everyone. I bought the Queen Mary.
Gob: Really? I was just thinking of getting a yacht.
Tobias Fünke: Well, I was dancing with the owner and he was looking to sell... Also, he really, really did look like a woman... But can you believe it? The only reason he's selling it is because, supposedly, it's in a bad neighborhood?
Lindsay Funke: You idiot. I was going to use the stock money to get us into the country club.
Michael Bluth: What?
Lindsay Funke: ...It's in such a nice neighborhood.
Michael Bluth: I don't believe this. Didn't any of you read that memo?
Narrator: None of them had read past the word "unfrozen."
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Narrator: [Lucille hires contractors to build into Lucille 2's apartment] On the next Arrested Development, Lucille 2 reclaims some space.
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Michael: [at Gob's magic show at the Gothic Castle] Where's Tobias?
Narrator: [voiceover] Tobias had intended to come to the magic show, but had a slight miscommunication with his cab driver.
Tobias Fünke: [Tobias is wearing a leather outfit he bought to impress Maebe] I would like to go to the Gothic Castle.
Cab Driver: Gothic asshole?
Tobias Fünke: Yes.
[at the wrong Gothic Castle, Tobias sees two people walking out]
Tobias Fünke: Boy, I am glad I didn't go with that outfit.
[to the bouncer]
Tobias Fünke: I am here to see the magic.
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George Michael Bluth: [George Michael is finishing a eulogy for George Sr] I'll be bringing you some salmon rolls real soon.
George Sr.: [watching from the attic] How many times I gotta tell this kid chicken wings?
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Narrator: George Michael was getting ready for school when he came across a box of love letters he'd written, but never sent, to his cousin Maeby. One letter, titled "If you weren't my cousin," was particularly incriminating.
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Gob: Michael, I'm your big brother. I'll never be impressed with you.
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Narrator: Gob was recently hired by the Bluth Company's rival, Sitwell Enterprises. And although he started off well...
Gob: 52% of the country is single. That's a market that's been dominated by apartment rentals. Let's take some of that market. I call it "Single City."
Narrator: ...his ideas failed to evolve.
Gob